He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”

The father yelled back, “Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,… and you told me to go fly a kite!”

2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”

3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”

7. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

One day this girl goes to her father, “Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it.”

The dad replies, “Only if you suck my dick.” the girl refuses but says, “please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies.”

The dad says again, “Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you.”

Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes “Eewwww, it tastes like shit!”, so the dad says,

“Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too.”

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”

“No!” she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.

His first friend says:”I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says:”I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says:”I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

“I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the  middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”