DIRTY LAFFS

Blowjob

pjd — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:13:43 +0000

Young Leroy, roughly 10 years of age, is walking downtown and a girl calls to him, “Blowjob, twenty dollars.” He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.

Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was “Mom, what’s a blowjob?”

His mom replies, ” Twenty dollars, just like downtown!”

Discussing Women

pjd — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 09:00:06 +0000

Three guys are discussing women. “I like to see a woman’s tits best.” the first guy says. The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” Both guys turn to the third guy and ask ”What about you?” to which he replies ”Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”

The Maid

pjd — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:10:00 +0000

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.”

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?”

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed? I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.”

The Blow Job

pjd — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 09:08:30 +0000

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,
“Honey, would you give me a blow job?”

Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught ”

Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”

“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No, no. I just can’t”

“I’m begging you …

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
“Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.

But for God’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”

The Three Kids

pjd — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 09:07:32 +0000

Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.

The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.

The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, “Why do you keep running away?” The little boy says, “My mommy told me if I see a naked lady I’ll turn to stone. And everytime I see her, a part of me gets harder.”

Young Construction Girl

pjd — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 09:05:57 +0000

A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The family’s 6 year old daughter took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
Eventually the construction crew - all gems in the rough - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother, who said the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.
“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too”?
“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood”, replied the little girl.

Doing It In The Dark

pjd — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 09:04:58 +0000

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”.
The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

Pussy Talk

pjd — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 09:02:06 +0000

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
“Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…”, she says.
So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says,
“Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”.
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”.
So the guy puts both of his hands in!
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t”, says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I was tight!”.

A Helping Hand

pjd — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 09:00:04 +0000

A nice looking woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough movement to step up onto the platform.

She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more.

It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up. All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform.

The woman whirled around in a rage. “HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don’t even know each other!”

The Texan smiled and said, “Well ma’am, normally I’d say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached behind you and unzipped my fly!”

The Sperm Count

pjd — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:00:17 +0000

There was an old man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The old man came back the next day empty handed.

“Hey doc, you got to help me here.” said the man.

Doctor: “What was the problem?”

Old man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor says: “Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?”

Old man: “Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off the specimen cup.”